Dark Crackfic of Doom
by Lost In A Dark Wood
Summary: Ursa is afraid that Ozai is going to kill her pweshious Zuko-muffin. "Parenting" ensues. Stay away if you value your brain cells.


Title: Dark Crackfic of Doom

Rating: T. Nothing graphic happens, but there's a lot of crude humor. Probably nothing worse than South Park tho.

Summary: Ursa is afraid that Ozai is going to kill her pweshious Zuko-muffin. Bad parenting ensues. Stay away if you value your brain cells.

Disclaimer: I will not be held reliable for any bodily or mental damage that might arise as a direct or indirect consequence of reading this. Also, this is an old story I discovered on my hard drive, so I posted. You should not assume that you'll see more stuff in the near future.

AND NOW ON TO THE STORY

It wasn't a dark or stormy night. It should have been, but it wasn't. Azula thought it really should have been. She really, really, really wanted to go outside and practice her lightningbending to lend the day some atmosphere. But Azula couldn't actually lightningbend yet. She also couldn't consistently produce a blue flame either. This was actually a source of some angst for Azula, which she took out on Zuzu. Whenever she tried to produce lightning and failed, she went and tortured Zuzu. She would have tortured small animals, but they tended to be smarter than Zuzu and not as easy to trick.

Zuzu was so easy to trick. All she needed to do was to pull him behind a curtain. Then he would run away at the first impressive display of firebending from Grandpa Azulon and she could just tell him whatever lie she wanted. Zuzu always believed her lies. Even the turtle ducks had finally figured out that when she held out breadcrumbs it was likely to lead to their injury and/or death. But not Zuzu. He was the best brother in the world. So fun to play with.

Zuzu was afraid of lightning. It really needed to be a dark and stormy night.

Azula went up to her father, Prince "Second-in-line-for-the-throne" Ozai. He was sitting there on his extremely expensive favorite chair pouting.

"Daddy, can you go make some lightning?"

"Oh, honey, can't you see I'm pouting because my daddy doesn't love me?"

"It'll make Zuzu afraid."

That cheered 2nd right up. He bolted up and patted Azula's head. "I knew you were my favorite for a reason." He got up go throw some lighting around, but as he was walking out the door with an eager Azula behind him he bumped into a very angry Ursa.

"I can't believe you're going to kill my pweshious Zuko-muffin!" Ursa growled at her husband.

"What? Why in the world would I kill Zuko? I mean, he's a huge disappointment and a total wuss, but that's what happens when you drop a baby on its head." He glared at Ursa.

Ursa decided they were playing glare-tag. She glared at Azula. "Why did you tell me your father was going to kill Zuko?"

Ozai rolled his eyes. "Have you really not caught on to the fact that Azula always lies?"

"What?" Ursa asked, dumbfounded. "Do you always lie?"

"No, I never lie," Azula lied.

"Ozai, she says she never lies."

"She's lying honey. That's what she does. She's a liar. That's what happens to children when you don't breastfeed them."

"Wait, you didn't breastfeed me?" Azula asked, hurt.

Ursa ignored her. "No, that's fat kids, not liars."

"I'm going to be fat?" Azula cried.

"No honey, you're a liar so you won't be fat," Ozai reassured her.

"Actually Azula, if you don't keep track of what you eat and you don't exercise, you will be fat. You are what you eat. And that last bag of fireflakes probably went straight to your hips," Ursa explained.

"But…" Azula was on the verge of tears, "Why didn't you breastfeed me?"

"Hello, would you breastfeed if you had tits like these?" Ursa asked.

"She's got a point baby," Ozai nodded in total seriousness. "Your mom has great tits."

"_YOUR mom_ has great tits," Ursa said. Ozai thought about it then nodded.

Azula barfed a little. A small part of her died inside.

"So, you're really not going to kill my pweshious Zuko-muffin?" Ursa asked Ozai.

"I wasn't planning to, but I might if you keep calling him that."

"_Noooooo!_" Ursa wailed. "Don't kill my pweshious Zuko-muffin!"

"I'm not going to kill him." Ozai rolled his eyes. "Spirits Ursa, you're making me out to be the worst father in the world. Who kills their own kid? Next you'll be accusing me of trying to burn off his face in an Agni Kai, or forcing him to hang out with my creepy brother, or trying to electrocute him."

It hadn't occurred to Azula to do any of these things to Zuko. She filed them away for future use and had an added incentive to master lightningbending.

Ursa turned to look at Azula. "I hope you're not thinking of trying to electrocute your brother when you finally master lightningbending," she said.

"That's totally not what I was thinking about," Azula lied.

"Oh, good." Ursa sighed in relief.

"Actually honey," Ozai said, "she was lying about that. That was totally what she was thinking about."

"What?"

"Yeah. Azula always lies."

"But always?" Ursa looked at Azula who was smiling angelically. "Were you really thinking of electrocuting your brother?"

"I guess," she mumbled.

"And the other day, when you said you needed Zuko to play a game?"

Azula looked away.

"She was lying about that, too," Ozai said. "Weren't you honey?"

"I wanted Zuko to fall on top of Mai in the fountain."

"Why would you want that?" Ursa asked.

"I wanted to fix them up together," Azula said.

"Zuko doesn't like Mai," Ursa said.

"He totally does. Zuko doesn't just like Mai, he lurves Mai." Ozai started to sing: "Zuko and Mai, sitting in a tree, doing K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

"My pweshious Zuko-muffin's not gay!" Ursa protested.

"Of course he's gay. You dropped him on his head and you call him your pweshious Zuko-muffin."

Azula hated to disagree with her father, but she also liked correcting people and being generally superior. "Dad, Zuko's not happy. He's angsty and frowny and he really hates it when mom calls him her pweshious Zuko-muffin."

"Not that kind of gay, honey," Ursa said.

"What kind of gay?" Azula asked.

"The kind that likes to fuck dudes kind of gay," Ozai said.

"Daddy, what does fuck mean?"

Ursa and Ozai gave her an incredulous look. "Ursa, where's the Royal the Bird and the Bees Talk Giver?" Ozai asked his wife.

"Don't look at me, you're the one who fired him."

Ozai looked at Ursa in horror. Ursa looked at Ozai in horror. They decided to give Azula the Talk. They asked her for her dolls.

"I burned them all yesterday," she said.

"Ozai, your daughter is a pyromaniac," Ursa complained.

"Of course she's a pyromaniac. She's a firebending prodigy. If Zuko weren't such a poof he'd be a pyromaniac too."

"What's a poof?" Azula asked.

Ozai and Ursa gave her the Talk. Since they didn't have any dolls they used a lot of obscene hand gestures. Everything that was good and pure about Azula was slowly burned away. Years later several of the Fire Nation's finest shrinks would go insane from hearing her tell of how her parents had introduced her to the adult world. Many of them had to admit that they probably would have tried to kill their brothers too if their parents had submitted them to similar torture.

A much more wicked Azula blinked. "Mai is a girl."

"Wait, really?" / "No!" Ursa and Ozai cried out respectively at the same time.

"I could have sworn he was an ugly little guy," Ozai mused to himself.

"I did think it was strange he wore a skirt and went to the girl's school."

"Well, I don't like to judge," Ozai said, "after all, the Fire Nation prides itself on being progressive and understanding, and on our excellent record of upholding human rights, but I thought it was just that Mai was a poof like Zuko."

"When you put it like that," Ursa agreed, "I guess I can see how Zuko might be gay."

"Zuko's not gay and Mai is a girl," Azula stated truthfully.

"Oh, I think I see now what you meant about Azula always lying," Ursa said cheerily.

"I hope you all die," Azula spat out bitterly.

"See," Ozai pointed out, "She doesn't mean that."

"No, I totally don't." Azula rolled her eyes.

"See, now I can't tell if she's lying or not," Ursa complained.

"I'm not lying," Azula lied.

"Well, if she says she's not lying, that's good enough for me," Ozai said.

"You know, the word me sort of sounds like tea," Ursa mumbled.

"And it sounds like C too. You know, C, for Catwoman," Ozai said.

Azula was very confused. She shouldn't have worried about it. It was from another Bat-show on another Bat-channel. It was from before her time.

"Catwoman was very diabolical. Which reminds me of a diabolical scheme involving tea," Ursa said.

"Wait, you don't mean about the time I tried to give my brother poisoned tea so I could become first in line for the throne, do you, because that totally never happened."

"No Ozai, and remember, Azula is the liar here. You totally tried to give Iroh poisoned tea."

"It's true."

"And since he didn't drink any of it, I brewed it all up and gave it to your father."

"WHAT?" Ozai screamed.

"Well, he ordered you to kill my pweshious Zuko-muffin!"

"That was a lie! Azula lied to Zuko!"

Ursa rolled her eyes. "Well, I know that _now_, I'm not stupid you know."

"No, you're totally not," Azula deadpanned.

"But anyway, I thought he wanted to kill my pweshious Zuko-muffin so I gave him some poisoned tea. Plus he smells funny."

"Well, he is old… He has that old person smell. You know, Iroh's getting it too now."

"It's all the tea he drinks," Ursa explained. "Anyway, since _apparently _this whole plot to kill my pweshious Zuko-muffin was all a lie because we have a little Miss Pants on Fire—

"Of course her pants aren't on fire! She's a prodigy firebender. She knows how to not get her pants on fire, which is more than I can say for your poofy son."

"Well, _anyway_," Ursa continued, "Since it was all a lie, I should probably go stop your dad from drinking that funky tea."

"Yeah, probably," Ozai agreed. "Though, he'll still smell funny."

Azula couldn't quite believe that she was hearing her parents so casually talk about doing her grandfather in, but since she had become a full-fledged little psychopath, rather than a scary little demon child, after her parents had given her the most horrifyingly graphic Talk of all time, she decided to go with it. Plus, she really didn't like Azulon, because he really did smell funny.

"No wait!" she cried out. "If you kill Grandpa, then Dad can become Fire Lord."

"That's a terrible thing to say," Ursa reproached her daughter.

"Wait, wait," Ozai exclaimed, "I've got an idea."

"Does it involve killing my pweshious Zuko-muffin?"

"NO! But, what if we killed the Fire Lord?"

"Great idea! Who needs a Fire Lord?" Ursa started to dance with joy. "No Fire Lord, No Fire Lord, nah nah nah nah nah nah!"

"Idiot!" Ozai screamed as fascistically as possible. "There _will _be a Fire Lord!"

"But you said…"

"_I _will be Fire Lord."

Ursa burst out laughing. "Oh _honey_," she hugged her husband. "You and I both know that's never going to happen. Your father hates you and your brother is much smarter, and handsomer, and generally superior."

"Iroh is _fat_."

"Mmmm-hmmmm," Ursa got a dreamy look in her eyes. "I know, isn't it dreamy, the way he just sort of _jiggles_."

"Wait," Azula interrupted, "If I were fat, and I jiggled, would someone still love me?"

"Azula, the only people who like fat girls are perverts. Nasty men who like to stick their [expletive deleted] in their fat folds and [expletive deleted] [redacted] [expletive deleted]," Ursa explained.

Actually, I was wrong. There was a little bit of innocence left in Azula, even after all that. It finally died a horrible blazing death. "I'm going to go torture my friends and make them fear me utterly and completely so that they will bend to my will, since clearly no one will ever love me for who I am, now that you two idiots have raped my soul."

"What a liar she is," Ursa said sadly as she watched Azula go away.

"I hope this doesn't come back to bite her in the ass when she realizes that you can't intimidate people into loving you and that by controlling and manipulating her friends she's ensured that they fear her but don't love her."

"Yeah, because I am _not_ paying for her therapy when Mai tells her that he loves Zuko more than he fears her."

"That's ridiculous. Everyone knows that all gay men have a paralyzing fear of straight women."

"I dunno," Ursa said, "I always thought Azula looked kind of butch…"

"That was Azula lying, dear."

"Oh, I didn't know people could lie about their sexual identity."

"Oh, you're right. It's totally impossible. That's why they call it being in the closet. All Fire Nation closets are really tiny since everyone except Zuko basically wears the same thing every single day, no one can fit in there, so it's impossible."

That made perfect sense to Ursa. "Oh, Ozai," she said dreamily, wrapping her arms around him, "Even if you have rock-solid abs that look like they were carved by a flaming Renaissance man in the finest marble in the world and there's not an ounce of flab in your well toned body, you make me so hot when you use logic like that. Take me, right here, right now, make me yours!"

"Baby, oh, baby!" Ozai explained as best he could, which considering he wasn't actually thinking with his brain was really quite impressive. Actually, the fact that he wasn't thinking with his brain was probably an improvement.

Azula chose precisely the wrong time to come back. She fainted. Ozai turned to look at his daughter. "Oh look, she fell asleep."

"Oh, how cute," Ursa cooed. The two psychotics took their baby daughter and tucked her into bed.

They looked at her. They loved her.

Somewhere else, Azulon drank his tea.


End file.
